Looking at the baby bear today, it is hard for me to believe that just about a year ago I was big and round and 2 short months away from giving birth (well, if he had come out when he was supposed to that is!)
Just about this time last year Jason and I decided to take one last vacation before L. was born. I left the planning to Jason and wanted nothing more then a piece of relaxation far from school, work or any such responsibilities. Jason decided on Molokai because it was 1) reasonably close 2) an island we had not visited yet 3) relatively people-free by Hawaii standards. There is a slower pace on Molokai then on any of the other islands we visited. It is the type of place that you do not visit to "do" but rather to just "be". We packed up our swimsuits and prepared to lounge by the pool and ocean for the long weekend and maybe do some mild sight-seeing.
The first day was uneventful. We took a short hike (truthfully more like a walk) to an ancient Hawaiian fertility rock and garnered quite a few jokes from passing hikers about the effectiveness of said fertility rock! Molokai was at one time a home for those suffering from leprosy. The settlement is still open, but since the vaccination people are allowed to stay at free will. The settlement itself is very isolated. We saw it from an overlook, but to actually visit would have taken a strenuous hike or donkey ride down into the valley miles below; not exactly pregnancy-friendly activities. So we settled for taking a few pictures and promising ourselves if we returned we would indeed saddle up a donkey. Beyond that, we simply enjoyed the ocean and pool and talking with people in town. Molokai is such a friendly, laid-back place. I loved living in Oahu, but it is nowhere near as welcoming of a place as Molokai. Tourism is big business on Oahu and it is a love-hate relationship with locals. On one hand there is recognition of the good that tourists bring to the economy. Yet, the flipside is a resentment that comes from being the hostess for far too long. Molokai is isolated from that and it shows in the temperament of the people living there.
Molokai is also where L. gave us our first real scare as parents. I will be the first to admit that I pushed myself hard during my pregnancy. I had this idea in my head that being pregnant should in no way impede on my way of life. I was determined to continue working, going to school full time and holding down my responsibilities at school. I even carried around a plastic bag and toothbrush for the first 20-odd weeks of my pregnancy because I did not want anything to slow me down. It is ironic that on our "relaxation" vacation that I finally had to accept that my body needed to slow down. I can honestly say that I have never been as scared as I was that weekend, hundreds of miles from my hospital, and praying to God that everything was going to be ok. It was my first true taste of fear as a parent.
My doctor was never able to pinpoint exactly why I started bleeding that weekend. There were guesses, but never any definites. I think though, that God was telling me that it was time to put my son first and prioritize my wants. I made a lot of decisions in the following days: I step aside from my role as department head at school and transitioned out of my position on leadership council. I spent the next months and a half only working 3 days a week so that I could accommodate the additional NST and doctors appointments needed to keep a check on L. Hardest though, was the decision to put off the last quarter of my grad degree until after L's birth and our move. Hard because I felt like I was quitting. I had set a goal for myself to have my degree done by the time we left Hawaii and that goal was being put aside. Yet, in the end it was a weight off my chest. I stopped trying to prove to myself that I was invincible and I just focused on taking care of my son.
A year later I am less then two weeks away from finishing my masters and it feels unreal to reflect on that weekend. Even more then L's birth, I look at that weekend as the point when I finally became a mother.
View from our hotel room. We stayed at the Molokai Ranch which is a huge working ranch with horses, cattle, and live stock. Very different from any of the other islands we visited.
Showing off how well the fertility rock rocks-- I came back down 31.5 weeks pregnant!
View of Kalaupapa,the leper colony.
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